ELEPHANTS IN THE ROOM

Status Quo Exposed

It’s been 39 years since I accepted Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior. Wow, I’m getting old! I’ve been taught the Bible my entire life and have read it cover-to-cover five times. My parents had me in church from the time I was a baby; I remember attending three times a week: Sunday morning, Sunday night, and Wednesday night.

One of the glaring gaps I noticed in my teenage years was the disconnect between the Scriptures and the actual practice of sharing one’s faith. Some call it witnessing or soul-winning. It was preached from the pulpit, but I never actually saw anyone sharing their faith in everyday American life. I took a missions trip to Mexico when I was 13 and saw it happen in mountain villages, but back home, it was non-existent.

At age 15, I determined to give sharing my faith a try. I reasoned that if Christianity is real, I should live it out in its entirety. Even then, I was too focused on ROI and outcomes to waste my time on half-measures. I essentially made a deal with God:

“God, I’m going all-in. I’m going to witness to everyone and their mama. We’ll see if You’re real and if all this preaching I hear at church is legit. If not, I’m out.”

I started knocking on doors every Saturday and handing out gospel tracts every Tuesday night at the Amherst Food Lion. God changed my life through that. It changed everything about me. I discovered my calling, led people to Christ, and helped disciple them from baptism all the way to joining me on the streets to share their own faith.

The Second Gap

It wasn't until my mid-30s that I began seeing the second big gap: forgiveness. I realized I had rarely seen anyone truly forgive someone who had wronged them. I’m not kidding. The only reason I noticed this gargantuan deficit was that I had been betrayed by several close friends and business partners. I came face-to-face with what it means to fundamentally live as a Christian—to forgive others for the ultimate purpose of reconciliation.

Our Work-Arounds

As believers, we are experts at finding loopholes to free ourselves from things that are hard or things we fear will hurt us.

When it comes to sharing our faith, the work-around is usually, “I’m not called to be an evangelist,” or “I’m not gifted like you are.” If we’re getting really "theological" about it, we say, “I don’t believe in putting people on the spot; if God wants them saved, He’ll do the saving.”

When it comes to forgiveness, we’ve learned to put timelines on it:

• “If you’re truly repentant, I’ll know it by your actions.”

• “You’ve apologized before, yet you keep doing the same thing.”

  
  

By using these expressions, we are essentially saying that a person’s repeated offenses nullify God’s command to forgive. However, we have a problem: Jesus said in Luke 17:4, “Even if he sins against you seven times in a day and comes back to you seven times and says, ‘I repent,’ you must forgive him.” Jesus makes it clear that we must forgive even the repeat offender within the same day.

Verse three sheds further light: “Watch yourselves! If your brother sins, rebuke him, and if he repents, forgive him.” Christ isn’t telling the disciples to doubt the offender’s word, even if a pattern exists. In fact, based on Peter’s questions in Matthew 18, Christ is saying the exact opposite. When granting forgiveness, it is not the job of spiritual leaders to sit as judges discerning the "authenticity" of a confession.

Now, if someone refuses to repent (to think differently or feel moral compunction) and refuses to ask for forgiveness, the Bible teaches that intervention must occur for their sake and the sake of the body (Matthew 18:15-20; 1 Corinthians 3:11-14). It is a grave situation when a believer refuses to care that they are harming others; it signifies a lifestyle of pride, and likely idolatry, greed, or covetousness.

The Trust Trap

Finally, the most popular work-around I encounter—it’s par for the course—is the emphasis on “rebuilding trust.”

What we often mean by this is "earning" trust, or making the offender atone for their sins to the offended party. Consider a marriage where a partner uses hurtful words. Hopefully, that partner soon apologizes and owns their actions. Our temptation as the offended party is to demand atonement—to make them "pay" through acts of sacrifice.

We might say we forgive in a "vertical" sense (I have to forgive because God forgave me), but we withhold "horizontal" forgiveness (the kind that leads to reconciliation and the kind that Jesus is commanding in Mathew 18 and Luke 17). We do this because counselors and pastors are telling us we don't have to extend horizontal forgiveness until the person "re-establishes" trust.

But what does re-establishing trust actually look like? How long does it take? Is the offended party the sole judge and jury? Most importantly, what does withholding that forgiveness foster in our own hearts during the "probationary" phase?

Stay tuned for more.

About Shawn Saunders, M.A., CFRE

With a heart for restoration and growth, Shawn has dedicated his career to helping others realize their God-given potential. A certified biblical counselor since 2008, he earned two Master of Arts degrees from Shepherds Theological Seminary before helping start a residential recovery program that still transforms lives today. Since 2014, Shawn has served as a fundraising consultant and is the author of the book, The Asker. He currently leads as Chairman of Unity in Our Community, a nonprofit network in Lynchburg.