Justified Cynicism

Justified Cynicism

Oct 21, 2026 · @closer4kingdom

When Believing the Best Becomes "Harmful"

I recently came across a post on X titled "When Believing the Best About Someone Becomes Harmful." Fittingly, the words were set against an image of the scales of justice.

I know what the author meant, because he has built a body of work that, sadly, justifies withholding horizontal forgiveness (the forgiveness we extend to one another), especially within marriage. I respect him. I know him personally, I see real genius in his practical theological framework, and I deeply appreciate his heart for those who suffer under another person's repeated sin.

But I'm not sure he recognizes the implications of his teaching. And if he does, then he is taking a position that contradicts God's Word.

Let's play it out.

Meet Dave and Susie

Imagine a couple, Dave and Susie, who have been married for 18 years.

Dave grew up in a conservative Christian home with two healthy, well-rounded parents who were hardworking and deeply devoted to their family. They were wise with money and taught Dave not to live greedily, so that he could bless others in need. Though they earned $350,000 a year combined, they lived on a $90,000 budget. They were active in their local church and chose not to drink alcohol, use tobacco, or consume anything that might harm their health.

Susie's experience was the opposite. She came from a broken home. Her father walked out when she was six and never provided financial support. With two younger siblings at home, her mother was in a terrible bind and had to work 80 hours a week just to make ends meet.

As Susie got older, she watched her siblings so the family could save on childcare.

Seven years later, her mother remarried, which allowed her to cut back to a single 40-hour-a-week job. But Susie soon discovered that her stepdad was a heavy drinker. One day, rummaging through her mom and stepdad's dresser drawers, she found a bottle of Vicodin tucked inside one of his socks. She took five pills and swallowed three. Within 10 to 15 minutes, she felt amazing.

That moment set off years of substance abuse. Susie became a cheerleader and graduated from high school and college with honors. Underneath, though, she carried deep wounds: abandonment, codependency, and a fear of rejection that kept her from living transparently. And she enjoyed drinking and episodic drug use.

The Unraveling

It wasn't long into the marriage before Dave noticed Susie's character flaws. She drank every evening after the kids went to bed. She consistently overspent on non-necessities, alcohol included. She worked feverishly at her job.

Dave also suspected she was taking medications he didn't know about. Every three months, Susie saw her doctor, who prescribed Wellbutrin, Adderall for her ADHD, and a benzodiazepine for her anxiety. She told Dave only about the Wellbutrin.

Susie was also a devoted follower of Christ, highly accomplished in her career, and a good mother. She tried so hard to please Dave that she overcompensated for his weaknesses, so much so that he never had to own his own weaknesses and sins. Yet Dave saw only her substance problems, her workaholism, and her dishonesty about her medications. He feared their children would take after their mother and perpetuate the cycle of dysfunction she had learned from her parents.

Dave went to his pastors, who referred him to a Christian counselor. The counselor saw Dave as an enabler who was propping Susie up so she could live irresponsibly, yet still successfully. He didn't hesitate to recommend a structured separation.

The separation devastated their three children. Their oldest daughter, 13, began experimenting with 7-OH because it was so easy to buy at gas stations and vape shops. Within six months, she nearly overdosed and was admitted to a psychiatric hospital.

Dave blamed Susie and filed for divorce, and his church supported him. It was no longer safe, the reasoning went, for Dave to believe the best about Susie. Her sinful patterns had wrecked her family, and she hadn't demonstrated a sustained period of repentance during the separation.

The Elder Brother and the Prodigal Daughter

There is so much to unpack in this story, but here is the heart of it. This framework hands an elder brother (someone prone to self-righteousness because he is self-controlled and was raised in a healthy, functional home) the right to judge a prodigal daughter. And she, given how she was raised, was actually putting far more effort into following Christ than he was.

Dave wasn't encouraged to forgive Susie, because her behavior had gone on for 18 years of their marriage. In effect, he was given permission to adopt a justified cynicism toward people who struggle with sensual, visible sins and self-destructive behaviors.

He could have been encouraged to live out the Scriptures that call us to:

•      Love our enemies and do good to those who persecute us (Matthew 5:44)

•      Bear with the weaknesses of others (Romans 15:1)

•      Take the log out of our own eye before pointing out the speck in a brother's or sister's (Matthew 7:3–5)

•      See ourselves as the billion-dollar debtor who has been forgiven (Matthew 18:23–35)

•      Forgive someone seven times in the same day if they say they repent (Luke 17:3–4)

Instead, his counselor cited Matthew 7:6: "Don't give what is holy to dogs or toss your pearls before pigs, or they will trample them under their feet, turn, and tear you to pieces."