BOUNDARIES THAT CROSS THE LINE

Status Quo Exposed

In my last post, “Elephants in the Room,” I ended by sharing about “the trust trap,” and posed the following questions:

• What does re-establishing trust actually look like and how long does it take?

• Is the offended party the sole judge and jury?

• What does withholding that forgiveness foster in our own hearts during the "probationary" phase?

  
  

I want to address these questions in the context of boundaries.  Here’s an encapsulation of boundaries:

• According to “the boundary experts,” Henry Cloud and John Townsend, boundaries can be viewed as property lines that demarcate where one person begins and one ends.  They share on page 31 of their foundational book, “Boundaries, “ A boundary shows me where I end and someone else begins, leading me to a sense of ownership.”

• Boundaries provide critical construct for those who struggle with codependency—those who overcompensate for the weaknesses of others; those who seek to control others out of fear of loss or rejection; those who need to be needed and find their purpose in how others view and treat them; those who must be validated and accepted by certain persons or authority figures; those who consistently live with a nagging sense of fear, guilt, and shame due to past and current trauma.     

• Boundaries are not intended to push others away; rather, they are intended to help a person exercise their own agency and empower them to make choices so that they can truly love their neighbor as themselves.

• Boundaries provide guidelines that help ensure the health and longevity of relationships. The provide a pathway to build trust, accept responsibility and accountability, and experience true love and freedom in relationships.      

  
  

Boundaries are good because when a person is able to “bear their own burdens,” this actually positions them to “bear the burdens of others.”  Jesus washed His disciples feet close to the time of His betrayal and crucifixion because John 13:1-5 says,

Now before the Passover Festival, Jesus realized that his hour had come to leave this world and return to the Father. Having loved his own who were in the world, he loved them to the end. By supper time, the devil had already put it into the heart of Judas, the son of Simon Iscariot, to betray him. Because Jesus knew that the Father had given everything into his control that he had come from God, and that he was returning to God, therefore he got up from the table, removed his outer robe, and took a towel and fastened it around his waist.  Then he poured some water into a basin and began to wash the disciples’ feet and to dry them with the towel that was tied around his waist.

We know that Jesus had boundaries because we see Him protecting His time with His Father.  We see Him resting when others were troubled, praying when others slept, righteously angry and courageous in the face of thievery and the abuse of power and control, etc.  In the face of the wilderness temptations contained in Mathew 4, we see Him essentially telling satan His boundaries.  I.e. “man shall not live by bread alone but by every word that proceeds from the mouth of God.”  “You must worship the Lord your God and serve only him.”  God and His Word helped Christ define His boundaries.  He did not commit any trespasses (“stepping over the line,”) because He was one with His Father.  In His humanity, He did what He wanted because He wanted what His Father wanted.

Ok, with this foundation now in place, let’s look at how boundaries are misunderstood and misused because these will answer our three questions concerning the trust trap.

I have seen people use what they call boundaries to ensure their own self interests to the unnecessary detriment of others.  A practical example:  John was working 14 hours a day every day 6 days a week.  Every time his boss asked him to come into work or take a work trip, he’d say yes because he had to have his boss’ approval.  Well, John’s wife had endured this schedule for two years although she and John had three young children because John had assured her things would improve.  When they didn’t improve, John’s wife reached out to their church’s pastor for help.  The pastor met with John and his wife and advised him to build boundaries into his life.  “John, you must learn to be honest with your boss and tell him that while you’re grateful for your employment, you can’t work 14 hours, six days a week any longer. You’re going to lose your wife’s heart and these days that you could be spending with your children, you won’t get them back”  John conjured up his courage.

The Second Gap

It wasn't until my mid-30s that I began seeing the second big gap: forgiveness. I realized I had rarely seen anyone truly forgive someone who had wronged them. I’m not kidding. The only reason I noticed this gargantuan deficit was that I had been betrayed by several close friends and business partners. I came face-to-face with what it means to fundamentally live as a Christian—to forgive others for the ultimate purpose of reconciliation.

When it comes to sharing our faith, the work-around is usually, “I’m not called to be an evangelist,” or “I’m not gifted like you are.” If we’re getting really "theological" about it, we say, “I don’t believe in putting people on the spot; if God wants them saved, He’ll do the saving.”

When it comes to forgiveness, we’ve learned to put timelines on it:

• “If you’re truly repentant, I’ll know it by your actions.”

• “You’ve apologized before, yet you keep doing the same thing.”

  
  

By using these expressions, we are essentially saying that a person’s repeated offenses nullify God’s command to forgive. However, we have a problem: Jesus said in Luke 17:4, “Even if he sins against you seven times in a day and comes back to you seven times and says, ‘I repent,’ you must forgive him.” Jesus makes it clear that we must forgive even the repeat offender within the same day.

Verse three sheds further light: “Watch yourselves! If your brother sins, rebuke him, and if he repents, forgive him.” Christ isn’t telling the disciples to doubt the offender’s word, even if a pattern exists. In fact, based on Peter’s questions in Matthew 18, Christ is saying the exact opposite. When granting forgiveness, it is not the job of spiritual leaders to sit as judges discerning the "authenticity" of a confession.

Now, if someone refuses to repent (to think differently or feel moral compunction) and refuses to ask for forgiveness, the Bible teaches that intervention must occur for their sake and the sake of the body (Matthew 18:15-20; 1 Corinthians 3:11-14). It is a grave situation when a believer refuses to care that they are harming others; it signifies a lifestyle of pride, and likely idolatry, greed, or covetousness.

The Trust Trap

Finally, the most popular work-around I encounter—it’s par for the course—is the emphasis on “rebuilding trust.”

What we often mean by this is "earning" trust, or making the offender atone for their sins to the offended party. Consider a marriage where a partner uses hurtful words. Hopefully, that partner soon apologizes and owns their actions. Our temptation as the offended party is to demand atonement—to make them "pay" through acts of sacrifice.

We might say we forgive in a "vertical" sense (I have to forgive because God forgave me), but we withhold "horizontal" forgiveness (the kind that leads to reconciliation and the kind that Jesus is commanding in Mathew 18 and Luke 17). We do this because counselors and pastors are telling us we don't have to extend horizontal forgiveness until the person "re-establishes" trust.

But what does re-establishing trust actually look like? How long does it take? Is the offended party the sole judge and jury? Most importantly, what does withholding that forgiveness foster in our own hearts during the "probationary" phase?

Stay tuned for more.

About Shawn Saunders, M.A., CFRE

With a heart for restoration and growth, Shawn has dedicated his career to helping others realize their God-given potential. A certified biblical counselor since 2008, he earned two Master of Arts degrees from Shepherds Theological Seminary before helping start a residential recovery program that still transforms lives today. Since 2014, Shawn has served as a fundraising consultant and is the author of the book, The Asker. He currently leads as Chairman of Unity in Our Community, a nonprofit network in Lynchburg.